


Misguided Ghosts

by Fallen_Lilo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Angst, Brief Larry, Lilo are friends/flatmates, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Smut, ghost!Zayn, zouis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5667556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallen_Lilo/pseuds/Fallen_Lilo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“No,” Zayn said, taking a slow step towards Louis. “It’s real life. I’m…” he trailed off and looked down at himself, then back up at Louis, shrugging. “Well, I think - I’m pretty sure I’m a ghost or summat.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Misguided Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: fallen-lilo.tumblr.com
> 
> The italicized scenes are all flashbacks, except for the first paragraph and a scene towards the end are both dreams.

_“Zayn... Zayn,” Louis mumbled, eyes closed as he reached up to touch his pounding head. “Fuck... Z, I – I think I’m bleeding,” he said when his fingers touched something moist coming from his hairline. “Zay-“ Louis stopped when he looked over to find the passenger seat empty. “Zayn?” Louis called, panic laced in his voice. He blinked rapidly, eyes slowly focusing on an object lying in the snow a few feet away from the car. “Zayn!” He yelled, struggling to get himself free. The door was bent in, metal pinning Louis’s leg down. “Zayn!”_

 

“Louis, Lou, wake up,” Liam said, shaking Louis’s sleeping, fidgeting body, “Lou, you’re screaming.” Louis gasped, shooting up straight and looking around with wild eyes, hair matted to his forehead by sweat. “Hey, you were having another nightmare,” Liam slowly sat down next to Louis, rubbing his back as he watched Louis reach to touch the same spot on his forehead as he did in his dream, where the scar lay on his skin. 

“I – it...” Louis started, hanging his head and squeezing his eyes shut.

Liam sighed, wrapping his arm around his flat mate. “Maybe, it’s time to-“

“No,” Louis said sternly, raising his head to glare at Liam and push him away. “I’m not saying it again. I don’t need to talk to anyone.” It was the same old conversation they had at least twice a week. Louis didn’t need a therapist. He didn’t need to talk to anyone when the accident happened, and he definitely didn’t need to talk to anyone now, two years later. “Just, go back to bed, Liam…”

Liam slowly unwound his arm from around Louis. He knew better than to push while Louis was upset. “You know where to find me.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Louis’s head before standing and walking towards the door. “Night, Lou.” Louis waved Liam off and waited for the bedroom door to close before he dropped back into his sweat-soaked sheets. 

On some level, Louis knew Liam was right. He should get help, but he wouldn’t admit it. Louis Tomlinson wasn’t weak and he did not need anyone’s help. It wasn’t like anyone could make the pain go away anyhow. They couldn’t bring Zayn back. Zayn was gone and Louis accepted that. But, it didn’t help when he continued to have these dreams and heard Zayn at night. He wasn’t crazy. He knew he wasn’t. He was just mourning.

With a sigh, Louis rolled and lit a joint before moving to open the window as he smoked.

~~~~~~~

_“Do you ever wonder what it’d be like to be invisible for a day?” Zayn asked, smoke leaving his lips as he passed the blunt to Louis. “Like, you could just walk around town, screw about and fuck with people.”_

_Louis hummed softly, taking a hit and leaning his head back against Zayn’s stomach. “I’d go stalk the women’s dressing cabin in the shops. Free peep show,” he grinned, quickly covering his chest when he saw Zayn’s hand coming down to pinch his nipple. “Oi, what’s that for?”_

_“So, now we’re going back to women?” Zayn asked, running his hand beneath the hem of his boyfriend’s shirt, fingers circling over Louis’s chest. “Am I not enough for you?” He pouted, bottom lip jutted out._

_Louis scoffed and held the joint to Zayn’s lips for him. “No, but who would say no to a nice set of tits?” Zayn had just rolled his eyes before placing the joint in his ashtray and leaning down to kiss Louis, shutting him up. Louis kissed back before pushing Zayn away, “what would you do?”_

_Zayn leaned back against the pillows and thought for a moment. “I don’t know. Maybe I’d take a trip to London and freely walk about. Sneak into some museums. Go fuck with you.” Louis snorted and reached up to trace over Zayn’s jawline._

_“You do that kinda shit and I’d whack you.”_

_Zayn grinned down at Louis. “I’d move your tea around, put shit in front of you to trip you, give you what you deserve for being a prick.” Louis gasped at being called a prick and frowned. “I’d watch you shower,” he said playfully, watching Louis’s frown turn into a small smile._

_“That’s just creepy,” Louis poked Zayn’s cheek._

~~~~~

Liam looked up from his bowl of cereal as Louis walked into their shared kitchen. He pursed his lips, watching Louis make himself some tea and a bowl before joining Liam at the table. It was the same as any morning after Louis’s nightmares. Quiet and hesitant. Louis knew what was to come. 

“So, I’ve found you a date,” Liam blurted. _Oh,_ Louis wasn’t expecting _that._ Louis coughed, patting his own chest as he choked on a spoonful of Coco Pops. 

“You found me a _who?”_ Louis croaked out, grabbing his tea to wash down the cereal stuck in his throat. 

Liam sighed and leaned back slightly, “a date. You told Niall just last week that you missed dating.” 

“I didn’t say that,” Louis mumbled, slumping over his bowl of cereal and making a mental note to kick Niall’s ass. It wasn’t that Louis didn’t want to date; it was that he was afraid to fall for someone again. He didn’t want to lose another person close to him. He had been reluctant to become friends with Liam, and he surely didn’t see himself allowing himself to date again. But, Louis did miss it. He missed planning dates, missed kissing and cuddling, missed the butterflies he got in his stomach. Mostly, he missed what he had with Zayn. Dating again would just feel like he was cheating on Zayn. 

“C’mon,” Liam pushed lightly, nudging Louis’s foot beneath the table. “Just one date. I promise, you’ll have fun. He’s a lot of fun. I think you two would hit it off.” He shot his pout at Louis, knowing the older lad couldn’t resist. Louis glared at Liam before muttering a ‘fine’. He went back to his silence after, barely registering Liam’s talking. “You actually met him at Niall’s party last month. Harry, the tall one with the hat. He’s a law major actually-” he continued to ramble, even as Louis zoned him out. 

~~~~~

_“Are we seriously doing this?” Louis asked in a hushed tone, curled in on himself in attempt to keep the cold from slipping beneath his jacket._

_Zayn looked up from where he was knelt down in front of the door whose lock he was trying to pick. “Yes. I promised you ice cream, and ice cream is what you’re going to get.” After spending the evening watching movies in the treehouse on a laptop in Louis’s backyard, the two were now trying to break into a nearby ice cream parlor. When his best friend had asked him on a date, Louis had thought he meant a trip to the cinema, not to his own backyard. That thought had easily left Louis’s mind when he saw Zayn had snuck into his treehouse and decorated it with twinkly, Christmas lights and pillows and blankets. And when Louis mentioned having ice cream, he only said it as a joke. Sadly, neither of them had any in their freezer, and just their luck, the local shops was closed._

_“Well, hurry up, will ya. M’freezing me nuts off,” Louis complained, bouncing on his toes, looking up and down the dark street. He was meant to be keeping look out, but as Zayn had mentioned before, Louis wasn’t good for anything. “Zayn, seriously, if you don’t get it open in the ne-”_

_Louis turned when he heard the lock click and Zayn was pushing the door open. “Well, come on, then, in ya go,” Zayn tugged Louis inside, closing the door behind them. He squinted his eyes around the shop before walking behind the counter. “Welcome to Charlie’s Creamery, what can I get you today, sir?” Zayn smirked lightly._

_“Charlie’s Creamery… Z, you’ve lived here how long and you still don’t know the name?” Louis shook his head and pulled out his phone, turning the flashlight on so he could see the flavors of ice cream. “Rocky Road and Moose Tracks,” he nodded to himself and licked his lips, watching as Zayn grabbed the scooper and a cup for the ice cream. “By the way, I’m pretty sure a Creamery has to do with like, butter or summat, not ice cream.”_

_Zayn rolled his eyes and shrugged, “same thing. S’all dairy.” Once he made both of their cups of ice cream, Zayn left a couple bills on the counter and followed Louis back outside. Neither mentioned that they had just broke into nor that they entered the shop. It wasn’t the first time, but it was definitely a first for breaking the law on a date._

_“Zap,” Louis dipped his spoon into Zayn’s ice cream. “You’re lame. You got Mint Chocolate Chip.”_

_“Hey,” Zayn protested quietly, holding his ice cream to his chest, shielding it from prying spoons. “S’chocolate chip and mint. A great combo. S’better than that peanut butter crap you’re eating.”_

_Louis gasped in mock offense and pouted as he licked the ice cream off his spoon. “Prick,” he muttered under his breath, a small smile sneaking up onto his lips. Louis glanced over at Zayn from beneath his lashes. “Hey... You’ve got a little...” Louis stopped their walking to step in front of Zayn. He reached up to thumb at the ice cream at the corner of Zayn’s mouth. Slowly, Louis met Zayn’s eyes and leaned up to press their lips together. Zayn’s hand came down to rest on Louis’s hip as he kissed back. As they pulled back, both boys tried hiding their blush before they resumed their trek back to Louis’s house to finish their ice cream and movie marathon._

~~~~~~~

Zayn’s family moved in next to Louis’s when Zayn was six and Louis was seven, and they had been inseparable since the moment they met. Louis was there for every art fair and contest, when Zayn was there for every play. When one was sick, the other was there by his side, only to get sick a week later. There was never a day only one half of the pair was in detention alone; they were partners in crime. They were young and reckless and had the world in the palm of their hands.

When Zayn died, Louis was in shock for months. Not only had he lost his boyfriend, but also his best friend. He lost the one person he trusted the most and loved with all his heart. Louis’s life felt like one long, hazy dream. He ran on autopilot until his tank ran empty. And when the needle struck E, everything stopped. Louis broke down on the side of the road, literally, as memories of the night flashed back. He had suppressed the memories for so long and everything came crashing down on him at once. 

Louis swore that he could still hear Zayn’s voice, calling to him. The voice sounded distant, yet so close, as if he were to reach out, he could grab onto it and listen to it on repeat. When he tried explaining it to Liam, Louis felt stupid and ridiculous. Liam claimed it to be some form of PTSD mixed with survivor’s syndrome. Louis immediately shot down the idea of having PTSD. He didn’t believe he was sick, he was just simply sad that he lost his boyfriend. It wasn’t as if Zayn was KIA, well, if you asked Louis, it felt like a war getting out of that car, watching his boyfriend fight for his life. But, survivor’s guilt was the one that stuck in the back of Louis’s mind. He definitely felt guilty. He _was_ the one driving the car. He _was_ the one who swerved. And he _was_ the one who made it out with only a busted leg and a concussion. Louis didn’t believe he should’ve survived. Zayn deserved to live, he had so much potential.

~~~~~~~~

“Are you ready for your date tonight?” Liam asked, moving about the living room in search of his boots. 

Louis rolled his eyes, draped across the couch and pointed towards the corner of the room where Liam left his shoes, where they always were. “No.”

Liam sighed and sat down as he grabbed his boots and laced them up. “I think you are. It’ll be great. You’ll be the perfect gentleman as you always are.” Louis snorted at that, smirking at his phone. “I know you’re a sucker for a good romance. Look, I’ve got to head to work,” Liam started as he pulled on his jacket and straightened it out on his shoulders. “Harry will be at there at seven. Please, don’t stand him up. He’s really excited about this date.” 

Louis shrugged and continued to scroll through his phone. He just wanted Liam to leave already. He was tired of hearing the same story. “Yeah, whatever. Seven at Rico’s. Got it,” he waved Liam off, bringing his hand up to chew on his thumbnail. 

“You’ll call me, yeah? If it goes to shit,” Liam left the rest of what he wanted to say in the air. He wanted Louis to know he’d be there if Louis couldn’t go through with it. Sure, he’d be disappointed, but he wouldn’t blame Louis. This was his first date in two years. His first date with someone that wasn’t Zayn. It was a huge milestone for Louis.  
Louis slowly raised his head, turning his attention to Liam and nodded, “I know. Have fun at work. Bring Big Daddy his money.” He smirked playfully and winked, wanting to move past the moment Liam was trying to have. Liam laughed softly and said his goodbyes before disappearing for his job at the bar. 

Louis continued to lounge around for another few hours, casually watching television before he deemed it time to get ready. After his shower, Louis felt slightly better, nerves eased a bit. He couldn’t deny he was anxious about the date. He claimed he was only doing it so Liam would leave him be, but Louis really had missed dating and wanted to get back out into the scene. He didn’t expect it to go anywhere with Harry, but he guessed he should enjoy it while he could. 

_“They say I’m really sexy. The boys they wanna sex me. They always standing next to me. Always dancing next to me,”_ Louis sang, towel hanging loosely around his waist as he danced around his bedroom. _“You can look, but you can’t touch it. If you touch it, Imma start some drama.”_ He pranced across his room, grabbing the boxers laying on his bed. As Louis pulled them on, a bang came from his closet, causing him to fall over. “What the fuck…” Louis mumbled and sat up, eyes scanning the room until the bang sounded again. 

“Liam?” Louis asked hesitantly, flinching when he heard a soft grunt with the next bang, the closet door shaking with the impact. “I swear to God, if that’s you or Niall, I’m going to kick both your arses.” Suddenly the banging stopped. Louis stood, eyeing the closet hesitantly. He watched, waiting for another set of noises that could be something more than his mind simply playing tricks on him. Just as Louis started to relax slightly, he heard a thud and a voice.

“Finally,” Louis heard the owner of the voice behind himself, far too clear. Louis froze before slowly turning to face the owner. _Zayn._ “I think your closet is jammed, mate.” Louis stared with wide eyes. His mind was definitely playing tricks on him now. Maybe Liam was right. He was mentally fucked. Zayn rolled over to push himself off the floor and stood up. He brushed himself off before meeting Louis’s eyes and stopped moving himself when he realized Louis was actually staring at him. “Were you seriously just singing Fergie?”

Louis nodded, mouth open, looking like an idiot. Swallowing thickly, Louis then shook his head and backed away. “You… This – there’s no way,” he continued to shake his head frantically and backed away. “This has gotta be – I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” He asked in general, mostly to himself. He was sure this was another nightmare. A new one, but another. 

“No,” Zayn said, taking a slow step towards Louis. “It’s real life. I’m…” he trailed off and looked down at himself, then back up at Louis, shrugging. “Well, I think - I’m pretty sure I’m a ghost or summat.”

Giggles bubbled up Louis’s throat before he snorted and laughed loudly, reaching up to brush a shaky hand through his hair. He continued to laugh until his laughter turned into  
tears. “You’re – this isn’t.” He wiped at his face and felt his back hit the wall. “Don’t fucking come near me,” he pointed a finger at Zayn. 

Zayn sighed and stopped in his track, hurt obvious on his face. Zayn had been trying for years to get Louis to see him. He barely had luck with Louis hearing him. “Lou…” he whispered, taking one more step so they were only about a foot apart. After all his effort, Zayn was not letting Louis reject him now. He worked hard to get back to his boyfriend. “Louis, look at me. It’s me, really, it’s me.” 

Louis shook his head, chest rising and falling quickly as he struggled to catch his breath. Quickly, Louis darted past what he assumed was a hallucination and jumped on his bed to get away. “I – I’ve got a date. I’ve gotta…” he looked around, snatching up the outfit Liam had set out for him and fumbled around as he pulled it on. “You – you, stay,” he pointed at Zayn again, not believing he was actually _seeing_ Zayn.

Zayn’s lips quirked into a small smile, trying his hardest not to laugh at Louis hopping around like a scared child. “I go wherever you go, Lou,” he said, walking around the bed to follow Louis, even as the lad continued to yell for him to stay. “I have no choice. I haven’t for two years.”

Louis stopped, hand on the doorknob to his bedroom door. “I’m going insane…Liam was right,” he whispered. “I’m a fucking loon,” his voice shook. Zayn’s smile disappeared as he appeared by Louis’s side. 

“No, you’re not, babe. I promise you. I’m as real as the freckles at the corner of your mouth,” Zayn tried to poke the small cluster of freckles, but his finger just went right through Louis. A soft gasp left Louis’s lips and he jumped backwards. “Sorry. I’m still working on that.”

“Still working…” Louis’s voice cracked. This _had_ to be a dream. This couldn’t be real. Zayn couldn’t be a ghost. Zayn was dead. Gone. Worm food. Ghosts didn’t exist… or at least that’s what Louis had always believed. 

“So,” Zayn clapped his hands together, causing Louis to flinch. “Fix your…” he gestured to Louis’s hair, “bird’s nest and let’s get going to this date of yours.” Zayn knew better than anyone, Louis needed to be pushed before he would agree to anything. Zayn knew what buttons to push. He knew Louis inside and out. 

Louis blinked dumbly at Zayn before frowning and shaking his head. “You’re not coming anywhere with me. You’re – I told you to stay.” Louis huffed and turned around, throwing his door open to go to the bathroom. He winced at the sight of his hair in the mirror. It did look like a bird’s nest. Louis paused when he realized he was doing as his ghost-hallucination-boyfriend-figure told him to. Louis tried putting all his focus in doing his hair and straightening his clothes out, all instead of thinking about the fact he was seeing his dead boyfriend. 

“You’re fine,” Louis said to himself in the mirror, hands resting on the sink as he leaned forward. “You’re just tired and need some well-deserved sleep. You’re just feeling guilty and your conscious is playing a joke on you. Zayn’s not here. You can do this, Tommo. You’re going to go out there and have a kick ass date and you’re going to enjoy it.” He needed the small pep-talk. He needed to let himself know he was going to be ok through this. 

After taking a deep breath and giving himself one last look over, Louis nodded to himself and turned away, heading out to grab his phone and his shoes. Louis constantly glanced over his shoulder, checking for any sign of Zayn, but found nothing. A soft sigh left Louis’s lips and soon he was leaving the flat, hopping in his car and driving off to the restaurant. 

~~~~

_Zayn rolled onto his side and ran his index finger down the small slope of Louis’s nose then across his cheekbone. “How much weight do you think a couple wall hooks could support?”_

_Louis furrowed his brows slightly, turning away from the touches. “Do I look like a hook expert?” He nipped at Zayn’s finger, earning a flick to the ear in retaliation. “Why?”_

_“Because, I wanna hang you up with all my other artwork, but I don’t know if there’s anything that can support that fat arse of yours,” Zayn grinned, eyes crinkling as he quickly ducked under the blanket to shield himself. Louis gasped loudly and shoved Zayn before crawling on top of him. “Noo! Don’t sit on me, I want to live!” Zayn laughed, wiggling beneath Louis as Louis pinned Zayn’s wrists down by his head._

_Louis smirked and teasingly brushed his bum against Zayn’s lap, hovering over him so their mouths were inches apart. “Who said I’d be the one sitting on someone?” He let go of Zayn’s wrists and sat back, only to be knocked onto his back with Zayn the one straddling him now._

_“Is that your way of asking to fuck me?” Zayn asked bluntly with a raised brow, leaning down to kiss Louis’s neck softly, stubble tickling Louis’s skin. Louis’s hands moved to Zayn’s waist, slowly running beneath his shirt and over his skin. “All you have to do is use your words, Lou. Ask nicely and I might say yes.”_

_Louis rolled his eyes and caught Zayn’s lips in his own. He kissed his boyfriend softly and tenderly before pulling back to ask in a hushed tone. “Zayn, can I fuck you… please?” Zayn grinned at the ‘please’ and nodded._

_“I’d be offended if you didn’t.” Zayn reattached their lips, the kiss soon turning heated and hands were tugging clothes off. There had been the occasional hand job and blowie, but neither had gone further than that before, and never further than that with each other. When both boys were naked, Louis’s movements faltered slightly, feeling the nerves finally. “Want you, Lou,” Zayn whispered, grinding down against Louis. “C’mon, baby,” he encouraged._

_Louis nodded breathily and flipped them over before fishing out his lube and opening Zayn up slowly, working his way up to three fingers. He pressed kisses to Zayn’s thighs and stomach, silent claims of love and affection before he was sliding into Zayn. “Oh, fuck, you’re – shit, you’re tight.”_

_Zayn tipped his head back and pulled Louis down into a kiss, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s neck. “Feels good, Lou, don’t stop,” he murmured against Louis’s lips as the older lad thrusted into him with short, shallow movements. He gradually worked up his pace, both boys teetering on the edge. Louis wrapped his hand around Zayn’s cock, stroking him quickly and pushing him to his climax, soon following after._

_Louis pulled out and rolled over next to Zayn, panting and closing his eyes as Zayn brushed his sweaty hair off his forehead. “Love you, Boo,” Zayn whispered. Louis smiled and kissed him in response. “M’all sticky,” he wrinkled his face in disgust. Louis just shrugged and relaxed back against the bed._

_“You’re also cute,” Louis smiled and held his arm out to Zayn for a cuddle. “We’ll take a shower later. Nap now.” Zayn couldn’t resist that._

~~~~

Louis sauntered his way into the restaurant, eyes scanning the room for that mop of curls he vaguely remembered from Niall’s party. He stood on his toes, brows furrowed when he couldn’t find the lad. 

“Louis?” Louis jumped and turned around, staring at Harry with wild eyes. “Sorry, did I scare you?” Harry asked sheepishly, smiling with his dimples showing. He held his rather large hand out to shake Louis’s. “M’Harry.”

Louis swallowed down the nerves and nodded, willing his heart rate to slow. “No worries. Louis,” he shook Harry’s hand and followed him to their table. He thanked Harry as the younger lad politely pulled out his seat then went to sit across from him. Louis turned his attention to the waitress who was handing them their menus and telling them the specials for the night. 

“We’ll have a bottle of Syrah,” Harry told the waitress with a charming smile. 

_“Perhaps you shouldn’t have any wine. We all know you get handsy when you’re drunk.”_ Louis flinched, knee banging against the table, causing the table and its accessories to rattle loudly. His head whipped towards the voice. There Zayn was, sitting in a chair at the table next to Harry. Louis looked around quickly, wondering if anyone else saw him, but no one seemed to be paying the dead boy any mind. 

Harry frowned and reached over to grab Louis’s hand, “love, are you alright?” He asked, a worried expression on his face as he gave Louis’s hand a squeeze, trying to get his attention. 

Louis blinked for a few moments before looking back to Harry and nodding, “uh... yeah, sorry, I – I had practice this morning… Muscle cramp and all.” He stuttered his way through an excuse and carefully pulled his hand away from Harry’s to rub at his own leg for emphasis. 

Zayn snorted and leaned against the back of the chair, having sat in it backwards so he could face Louis. _“You’re a shit liar. Always have been.”_ Louis glared at Zayn, earning more odd glances from Harry, the waitress, and a couple bystanders. Harry watched Louis closely for a moment before returning to ordering his food then gestured for Louis to do the same. Louis just mumbled he’d have the special, not even remembering what it was. 

Once the waitress left, Harry returned his smile to Louis and sat up straighter, clasping his hands together and leaning his chin against them. “So, Louis. Niall tells me you play footie, yes?”

Louis nodded and took a sip of the glass of water that sat by his silverware. “Yeah. Actually have been since I was like, seven. It’s me passion.” Louis relaxed just the slightest as he talked about playing football. It always had, but he tensed back up when Zayn began speaking again. 

_“Jesus, Lou. Don’t tell me you’re actually going to go through with this. Look at that hair. He’s got so much of it!”_ Louis squinted and pursed his lips.

Harry tried not to seem confused, nor offended by Louis’s obvious lack of interest, but he was finding it hard. He had wanted this date for months now. “Are you ok?” He asked hesitantly, looking Louis over. “You seem… distracted.”

Louis felt a tug in his chest at Harry’s expression. It reminded him of Liam’s stupid, puppy pout he used when he was hurt or wanted Louis to do something. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” He offered Harry a small smile. 

“Oh, boo,” Harry pouted at Louis, sliding his hand across the table again to try and hold Louis’s. Zayn frowned at Harry saying ‘boo’. Of course the lad didn’t know of Louis’s nickname, but it didn’t sound right coming from someone else’s mouth other than Zayn’s and Louis’s mum’s. “Maybe if you switch practices and working out to night instead of morning, you could get to sleep easier. It’s what I do when I can’t sleep. A late night run always puts me right to sleep.” 

_“His voice is about to put me to sleep,”_ Zayn let out a dramatic yawn, patting his hand against his mouth. _“He’s quite a bore.”_ Louis resisted the urge to roll his eyes and held Harry’s hand back. He turned his attention away from Zayn and back to Harry.

“Oi,” Louis raised Harry’s hand to look at his tattoos closely, gently pushing Harry’s sleeve up slightly higher. “Shit, you’ve got a lot.” 

Harry laughed and nodded, turning his arm around and began to ramble about them, showing Louis the ones he did himself. He even opened his shirt just the slightest to reveal the tattoos on his chest and stomach. _“Y’know he’s only showing off, right? He’s trying to get you into bed. You can’t be that blind, Lou.”_ Louis clenched his jaw and focused on listening to Harry instead of Zayn, who was getting up and walking to stand next to Harry. _“Is this really what you want in your bed? He’s like, a wannabe hippie. Ew, I bet he listens to that banjo shit.”_ Zayn turned his nose up at the thought. 

The two broke apart when their food and wine arrived. Louis was quick to pour himself a glass of wine and drank it rather quickly. He felt he needed it to keep himself from screaming at the thought – idea – ghost form, whatever Zayn was. He didn’t want to make himself seem like a complete nut on his first date in years. 

The remainder of the date was quiet on Zayn’s end. When Louis looked up from his plate, he noticed the boy was missing and there was no more voice playing in his head. Louis couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sadness at the fact he wasn’t seeing Zayn anymore. Sure, it freaked him out that he was seeing Zayn, but it did fill him with just an ounce of joy. He missed Zayn. 

Walking out to their cars, Harry rested a hand on Louis’s lower back, rubbing his thumb against the material of his shirt gently. “So…” Louis began, rocking on his toes and back to his heels as he turned his back to his car, facing Harry, “I had a nice time.” It may have been awkward and Louis wasn’t trying his hardest, but he did enjoy the time with Harry. 

Harry grinned, dimples on display. Louis did find him rather cute. “Really? Good enough of a time to maybe do it again sometime?” Harry asked hopefully, chewing on his bottom lip. Louis looked away for a moment, thinking it over. He hadn’t promised Liam that he’d take Harry on another date, nor did he even expect wanting to. 

“Umm, well, yeah, sure.” Louis decided, nodding up at the child-like man who was bouncing on his toes happily. “Just, I’m not entirely sure when. Tournaments start soon and I’ll be rather busy,” it wasn’t a lie, it was just convenient.

“Maybe I’ll come watch you play sometime,” Harry offered. Louis liked the idea and nodded, agreeing. They stood quietly for a moment, letting out soft, awkward laughs until Harry stopped fidgeting. Harry’s hand raised to cup Louis’s jaw, thumbing over his cheekbone softly. Louis took a deep breath just before Harry’s lips pressed to his. Louis stood still, trying to give himself the courage to kiss back, which he eventually did. When Harry pulled back, the first thing Louis noticed out the corner of his eye was Zayn, leaning against the car next to his, arms crossed over his chest and staring at Louis with a hurt expression. 

“I – Za- “ Louis stopped himself and shook his head. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” he breathed out, quickly spinning around to climb into his car and sped out of the parking lot in record time, leaving behind a confused Harry behind. 

~~~~~

_“Hey, Lou, look what finally ca-“ Zayn stopped in the doorway of Louis’s bedroom, the newest FIFA game in hand. His eyes widened at the sight in front of him: Louis with a lapful of Eleanor, who was Louis’s co-star in their most recent school play. Both Eleanor and Louis gasped at the sound of Zayn’s voice._

_“Zayn, dude! What the fuck!” Louis yelled as Eleanor scrambled to put her shirt back on, the only article of clothing that had been removed during their make-out session. “Get out!” He threw a pillow at his best friend. The pillow may have missed Zayn, but Louis didn’t miss the anger in Zayn’s eyes. Without another word, Zayn turned around, quietly shutting the door behind himself and walking straight back to his house. Louis knew better that that was a telltale sign that Zayn was upset._

_Louis apologized to Eleanor with promises to call her as he saw her out to her car. Sighing, Louis pulled on his big boy pants and walked across the yard to Zayn’s house. He didn’t even bother knocking, just walked in and straight up to Zayn’s room. “Zayn…” Louis tapped on the bedroom door. “Z, c’mon, open up. You have no right to be mad. You’re the one that walked into me room without knocking!”_

_Zayn swung the door open and glared at Louis. “I have no right? I have to no right! You swore to me that you weren’t fooling around with her! You said you weren’t even interested!” Louis had made those claims. He wasn’t lying when he said those things, but sometimes things change._

_“I wasn’t!” Louis yelled back, not understanding why Zayn was so upset over a silly kiss with some girl. “What crawled up your arse and died?”_

_“Obviously your word.” Zayn shot back, turning to slam the door this time, but Louis caught it with his hand and pushed his way inside. Zayn looked back and shook his head, “get out, Louis. I don’t want to talk to you.”_

_“No, you’re going to quit being a prick and tell me what the fuck I did that was so wrong,” Louis said sternly. They hadn’t ever fought before like this. Their fights were typically silent and short-lived and ended up with laughter, but this, this felt different. It felt like it struck a chord that neither knew was there._

_Zayn sat down on his bed and shrugged. “Nothing, it doesn’t matter. Just go home, Louis.” Zayn frowned hard down at the floor, clenching his fists in his lap.  
“Not until you tell me,” Louis repeated, moving to stand directly in front of Zayn. “Quit being a fucking baby over everything.” Zayn stood up at that and stared Louis directly in the eyes. _

_“I suggest you get out of my face and go home, before I make you.”_

_Louis raised a brow, “before you make me?” He laughed mockingly and smirked up at Zayn and pushed his chest. “Go on then. Make me.” He taunted and pushed Zayn again, “make me.”_

_Zayn gritted his teeth, trying to control his anger, but Louis was just adding fuel to the fire burning inside him. Zayn finally had enough and shoved Louis back, causing the lad to fall back onto his bum. Louis stared up at Zayn in shock, not able to believe Zayn had actually pushed him. The shock washed away and replaced with his initial anger and he got up, charging Zayn and tackling him back on the bed. The two wrestled around, smacking and clawing at one another._

_Zayn managed to finally get Louis in a headlock, causing the boy to struggle for a breath and swat whatever part of Zayn he could reach. “Un-uncle,” Louis finally called. “Uncle!” Zayn let go, watching Louis scurry away to catch his breath, the color slowly turning back to normal on his face._

_The only sound in the room was their heavy breathing. After far too long of no talking, Zayn was the one to break the silence, “do you really like her?” He asked in a whisper, keeping his head down._

_Louis knitted his brow and glanced over at Zayn, rubbing his neck where Zayn’s arm had been wrapped around it. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I could, maybe someday.” Eleanor was a lovely girl and Louis loved having her along his side on stage, but he didn’t have feelings for her. She wasn’t the one he fancied. “Why do you care so much?”_

_“Because, Lou,” Zayn pursed his lips and paused as he thought over telling the truth. “Because, I like you,” he said, voice as quiet as it could go. He wondered if Louis had even heard him. Louis was wondering the same, not sure if he heard correctly._

_“You – You like me. You like me.” Louis repeated, Zayn nodding silently. “Oh…” He, too, looked down at the floor before a smile quirked on his lips. His heart thumped in his chest. Zayn liked him. Zayn liked him back. “I like you, too,” he admitted._

_Zayn’s head snapped up, eyes wide, “don’t do that.” He didn’t believe Louis. Louis walked over to sit next to Zayn on the ruffled bed sheets. “Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.”_

_Louis shook his head and looked into Zayn’s scared eyes. “I’m not lying.” His eyes flickered down to Zayn’s hand and he awkwardly placed his atop it, causing them both to blush. Louis leaned in and brushed his lips lightly against Zayn’s then pulled back. The kiss ended almost as quickly as it had started, but it left Zayn breathless._

~~~~

Louis entered his and Liam’s flat, only to find he was alone. Liam was still working. Louis kicked his shoes off, watching them both bang against the wall. He went straight to the kitchen to pull out a beer and disappeared into his room. Louis sat on his bed with a cigarette in one hand, beer bottle in the other. His eyes stayed trained on the open closet door. He hadn’t ever opened it. Zayn did. 

Louis downed the rest of the bottle and set it aside before taking a deep breath. “Zayn?” He called out softly. No response. “Z, are you there?” He paused, but again, there was no response. Louis was beginning to feel stupid. There was no way Zayn was a ghost. Sighing, Louis stubbed the remainder of his cigarette out before wiggling out of his jeans and crawling under his blanket. “I’m sorry,” he whispered before drifting off to sleep. 

 

_“Please, Zayn. Come with me!” Louis whined, bouncing on his knees on Zayn’s bed. “I don’t wanna go alone. It’s starting to snow.”_

_Zayn rolled his eyes and sighed, leaning his head back against his headboard. “Only if buy me breakfast.” Louis was quick to nod and agree to Zayn’s conditions. Louis had been buzzin’ over a show in North London and bugged Zayn for weeks to come with him. Zayn hadn’t been particularly interested. The band wasn’t his vibe, but Louis was annoying and persistent and Zayn couldn’t say no._

_After a small, overnight bag was packed, Zayn and Louis were squeezing into Louis’s car, seeking warmth from its heater. The snow was already coming down hard. “Maybe, I should drive…” Zayn offered, watching Louis squint already as he pulled out of his own driveway. The lad wasn’t even wearing his glasses._

_“No way,” Louis shook his head, gripping the steering wheel tightly. “You’re a shit driver. We’ll end up in a ditch somewhere in Holloway.” Zayn huffed and leaned back in his seat, hugging himself and rubbing his arms._

_“Whatever. Just, be careful, alright?” Zayn said softly before reaching to turn the radio on. Louis glanced at him with a raised brow._

_“If you’re so worried, then put your fucking seatbelt on, mate.” Louis always hounded Zayn about wearing his seatbelt, but the younger lad always complained that it left creases in his clothes. The comment never failed to make Louis scoff and roll his eyes hard enough that his eyes would probably fall out of his head._

_Both boys only seemed to tense further as the snow fell, almost as bad as a blizzard. It was the worst snow they had seen all year. Louis was leaning towards the wheel, trying to see through the windshield, but everything a foot in front of the car was a blur._

_“We should pull over…” Zayn suggested in a mumble, knowing he shouldn’t bother Louis when he was driving through this type of weather, but it was worrying him. “C’mon, Lou. Just pull over. We’ll leave as soon as it winds down”_

_Louis shook his head, “we’re almost there. The hotel is like right up here.” Louis honestly had no idea where they were. They could still be in their neighborhood for all he knew._

_“Lou,” Zayn pushed, reaching over to tap Louis’s shoulder. “Lou, careful!” He yelled when Louis swerved slightly._

_“Well, quit fucking bugging me,” Louis shouted, glaring at the road. “It’s fucking slick and me tires are shit.”_

_“Then pull the fuck over. Louis, ple-“ Zayn stopped midsentence when the car jerked and he let out a scream with Louis. The car spun out of control and went slightly airborne off the road and into a ditch._

_“Zayn... Zayn,” Louis mumbled, eyes closed as he reached up to touch his pounding head. “Fuck... Z, I – I think I’m bleeding,” he said when his fingers touched something moist coming from his hairline. “Zay-“ Louis stopped when he looked over to find the passenger seat empty. “Zayn?” Louis called, panic laced in his voice. He blinked rapidly, eyes slowly focusing on an object lying in the snow a few feet away from the car. “Zayn!” He yelled, struggling to get himself free. The door was bent in, metal pinning Louis’s leg down. “Zayn!”_

_Louis couldn’t be bothered to wipe the tears away that were rolling down his cheeks in fear. He groaned loudly as he pushed at the door and tried sliding out from beneath it. He couldn’t be stuck. He had to get out. He had to help Zayn. Slowly, Louis felt his leg getting free, barely managing. He crawled across to the passenger seat and kicked its door until it opened. Louis fell out of the car, into the snow and gripped his leg, willing the pain away._

_Louis dragged himself through the snow, over to his boyfriend. “Zayn,” he breathed out, dropping next to his limp body. “Babe, c’mon… We – we gotta get outta here.” He reached out to nudge Zayn’s shoulder, trying to get his attention but there was no response. “Zayn, quit playing. This is serious.” The longer Zayn stayed silent, the more worried Louis got. Louis’s hands shook, a mix of the cold and adrenaline pumping through his body, as they touched the discolored snow. “Oh – Oh my G-God…”_

_Scrambling to pull his phone out, Louis dialed for help. “I – I need an ambul-lance,” he stuttered, teeth chattering. “H-hurry!” Louis could hardly make out the voice on the other end of the phone. Everything was too loud. The blush rushing in his ear, his heart pounding, the horn blaring on his car, and the wind and snow. “I-I don’t kn-now! P-Please, he’s n-not respond-ding!” He cried out, pushing Zayn harder this time. “Zayn, God damnit!”_

_The phone slipped from Louis’s hand and into the snow as Louis hunched over to grab onto his boyfriend’s body. He couldn’t feel a heartbeat, didn’t see a rise and fall in Zayn’s chest. His eyes were closed and lips parted and turning blue. “Z-Zayn…” Louis let himself freely cry now, curling Zayn’s body into his own as if his hug could cure it all. “P-Please… M’s-sorr-y,” he hiccupped, squeezing his own eyes shut. “Please…”_

 

“Baby…” Louis heard in the distance. “Baby, wake up... You’re crying.” Zayn whispered softly. Louis’s eyes fluttered open, vision blurred by tears. When it cleared, he was face to face with Zayn, who was lying in his bed, wearing the same outfit as he had the night of the accident. Louis shut his eyes again when he realized it wasn’t just a nightmare; it was a memory, a very, very real memory. 

“Boo Bear,” Zayn whispered again. “Talk to me,” he started to reach out, wanting to wipe Louis’s tears away, but knew it was no use. He wasn’t skilled enough to tangibly touch objects as often as he’d like. He didn’t know how to touch Louis. “C’mon, babe.”

Louis sniffled softly, burrowing down into the blanket so only his eyes and the top of his head was visible. “M’s-sorry,” Louis rasped out, lips quivering as he tried to stop crying. 

“Shh…” Zayn shushed Louis, scooting as close as he could without their bodies touching, if that was even possible. “Don’t apologize. S’ok.” It hurt, not being able to hold Louis and comfort him. It hurt to see Louis struggling and have no way of knowing how to help him. He hadn’t seen Louis this torn up over something since his dad left when they first met. 

Louis shook his head, clutching the blanket tighter. “I didn’t mean to… I couldn’t see,” he sniffled again, trying to stop the shake in his voice. “I’m _so sorry,_ Zayn. I should’ve – I should’ve listened. I should’ve pulled over!” He quickly pulled the blanket back over his head, trying to hide from the guilt that was staring him down. 

“Yeah, you should have,” Zayn said, but there was no malice in his voice, just sorrow. “But, I shouldn’t have left you.” He kept his voice at a soothing whispering, but tears were forming in his own eyes at seeing the boy he loved so broken. 

“Why didn’t you stay?” Louis asked, straining his voice. He couldn’t understand how Zayn could leave him like that. “You didn’t even say goodbye!”

“I know, I know,” Zayn sighed, nuzzling down against the pillow that faintly smelled of Louis. “I tried, baby, I did. I tried holding on, but Lou… It – it was _too_ hard. It _hurt.”_ Louis shook his head, not wanting to hear that. He couldn’t stand the thought of knowing Zayn was in pain. He had spent months convincing himself that Zayn felt no pain. That it was all quick.  
“Sorry,” Zayn murmured and waited for Louis to pull the blanket from over his face so he could meet his gaze. “But, I’m ok now. See, no pain and I get to see you.” He held his arm in the air, trying to emphasize that he was ok by moving around. He knew it wasn’t that convincing and wasn’t the same as being alive, but it was better than never seeing Louis again. 

Louis rubbed his eyes and shifted just the slightest closer to Zayn. “But, you can’t touch me,” he stated, not asking. Zayn just nodded silently. “What’s the point then? This feels like torture, worse than being without you.” 

“I know that, too. It sucks, not being able to do this,” Zayn raised his hand, trying to brush his fingertips along Louis’s cheek, but he just went right through the lad. “But, I know you’ve wanted to see me. I’ve heard you talking to yourself in here. I hear you talking about me, to me. Don’t think I didn’t.” Louis tried fighting off the blush at the fact that Zayn had heard. Sure, he had hoped Zayn heard him, but he didn’t expect Zayn to be _right there_ listening to everything Louis had said in the dark of the night. “Go back to sleep, love. I’ll be here all night.” Louis looked a bit unsure, but he was incredibly tired and couldn’t resist, not when his boyfriend was here, watching over him. 

When Louis woke, it was to a tapping across his room. He slowly sat up, scrubbing his puffy eyes with his fists before spotting Zayn, sitting cross-legged on the floor, trying to pick up a pencil. Each time, he’d get it about a foot off the ground, then it fell to the floor again. 

“So, that’s why all me pencils are on the floor,” Louis murmured, voice rough with sleep, as he climbed out of bed and went to sit in front of Zayn. 

Zayn snorted and shrugged, “possibly. Or maybe you’re just really fucking messy,” he teased him lightly. The corner of Louis’s mouth rose in a small, half-smile that made Zayn grin in return. “Liam’s home. He’s making you both breakfast right now. I’d prepare myself if I were you, he spoke to that hippie this morning on the phone.”

Louis furrowed his brows as he tried figuring out who Zayn was talking about until it clicked. _Harry._ “Fuck,” Louis groaned, tipping his head forward to bury his face in his hands. He was flooded with guilt as he remembered how confused and hurt Harry looked when Louis left him there in the parking lot. 

“You could man up and go out there and face Liam,” Zayn started, listening to Louis groan again at the idea, “oooorrrr, you can get dressed and slip out the window. It wouldn’t be the first time.” Louis raised his head to see the mischievous grin on Zayn’s face. His heart felt like it skipped a beat at the sight. The last time he saw that look, Zayn was talking Louis into sucking his dick in the movie theatre. 

“Ok,” Louis said without any hesitation as he pushed himself off the floor and moved about his room, changing into a pair of joggers, a t-shirt, and pulling a jumper on above the shirt. He gave Zayn a nod, slipping his phone into his pocket and grabbing his car keys and moved to the window. It took a bit of maneuvering, but Louis managed to climb out the window and shimmy down the tree outside his window, just like he had done many times when he was younger at his own home. 

Louis was on the lookout as he got into his car and started. Just as he was about to drive off, Louis quickly grabbed his glasses from the glove compartment and pulled them on. He regretted not wearing his glasses the night of the accident. Sometimes he wondered if that was the reason they crashed, even though he was told it was because of the icy road and his horrible tires. 

“Where are we going?” Zayn said suddenly, popping up in the passenger seat. Louis jumped slightly and sighed as he started towards the park. 

“Lake.” Louis murmured, shifting uncomfortably in his seat as he constantly glanced between the road and Zayn in his car. Without a seatbelt on. Louis tried not to think too much about the images in his head. “Hey, uh, I’ve gotta question… So, you’ve heard everything I’ve said in me room. Does that mean you’ve like, _seen_ everything in me room?”

Zayn snickered and nodded, “oh, I’ve seen _everything, _babe. Every last inch.” He beamed when he saw Louis’s cheek turn pink in embarrassment. “You act like it’s not something I haven’t seen before, touched before,” he reached over to trail his finger along Louis’s thigh. Louis didn’t feel the touch, but he felt a shiver run down his spine.__

__“Fuck off,” Louis grumbled and closed his legs, as if trying to brush off the nonexistent touch. “You better not have been wanking it in me closet. Dirtying up me clothes.” He paused as he started to think about that and how it would work, but quickly shook it from his mind. It was too early and he was without his morning tea. He didn’t need a headache._ _

__Zayn just laughed softly, relaxing back in the seat with his feet propped up on the dashboard. He looked good. Healthy… for a ghost. Louis assumed ghosts didn’t age, as Zayn looked exactly like he did the night he left. He was wearing the same leather jacket and frayed jeans. His facial hair was a light stubble that always tickled Louis’s neck. He wondered what Zayn would look like now. If he’d grow out his beard to something like Liam’s. If he would’ve ever finished the inked sleeve he had begun without his parents’ permission, or if Zayn would have gotten that lip piercing he always joked about._ _

__Louis swallowed down the lump in his throat and took a breath, listening to Zayn sing along to the radio. As Louis drove to McDonalds, no one seemed to notice Zayn in the passenger seat, no one gave him a second glance, not even the woman working the drive thru as she handed Louis his coffee and wished him to have a lovely day. Louis stayed silent through the rest of the journey to the park and even as they walked down the path to the lake. It wasn’t until Louis was seated on a bench that he finally spoke up._ _

__“Can others see you?” Louis whispered. Zayn looked up from where he was picking at his shoelaces on his boots._ _

__“Uhh,” Zayn’s brows knitted together, “I don’t think so. I walked right into the kitchen this morning and said hello to Liam. He just scratched his ass and continued cooking.”_ _

__Louis huffed a laugh and shook his head, “so, why me? Why not like, your mum or sisters or someone else? Why can I see you?” Zayn quietly twirled his finger around the shoelace, thinking on that._ _

__“Because I’m attached to you. Literally and figuratively.” It was Louis’s turn to furrow his brows and look at Zayn questioningly. “I dunno for sure, but like, we’ve been best mates since we were little lads. You were the one thing I could always count on being around. You were special to me.” Zayn talking in past tense made Louis’s chest tighten._ _

__“You’re still special to me,” Louis whispered, eyes falling down to the coffee in his lap. “I still love you. Don’t think I could ever stop.”_ _

__Zayn smiled and nodded, “I still love you, too. I’d have to kick your arse if you didn’t.” He hoped the teasing tone in his voice would cheer Louis up, but it didn’t seem to help. “Do you remember the time I went to the beach with you and your family?”_ _

__That had managed to make Louis smile. “Yeah,” he nodded, “you cried for twenty minutes when we went out on that boat.” Louis definitely remembered that trip. It was the first time Louis had realized he was attracted to Zayn, watching the lad bask in the sun, sunglasses perched on his nose, swimming trunks low on his hips. Zayn had refused to get in the water, no matter how much Louis begged. But when he had no choice, Zayn got on the fishing boat with Louis’s step-dad, Louis, and his little sisters. Zayn spent the whole time, wrapped around Louis with one hand gripping a railing. Louis laughed through the entire thing._ _

__“I did not cry,” Zayn rolled his eyes. “You were just being a dick.” Louis had spent the trip teasing Zayn over it and for many years after. “Then again, when aren’t you?” It was Louis’s turn to roll his eyes._ _

__Louis slowly brought the coffee up to his lips and sipped. “Remember when we spent the weekend camped in the woods behind our house?_ _

__“Yeah, you got us lost and ate all of our food.”_ _

__“I did not! I spent weeks drawing that map out, and you’re the one who ripped it up!” Louis had been furious when Zayn had accidentally tore the map Louis made. It was raggedy and horrible drawn anyhow. There was no way it was accurate either._ _

__Zayn scoffed, “you’re just lucky my dad found us, or we would’ve freezed to death.”_ _

__“Why are you so dramatic? You had the bigger coat of the two of us.” It felt easy and familiar, bantering like this. Louis had missed this. It was always comforting talking to Zayn, even when they were fighting. Zayn radiated good vibes and Louis had always needed that in his life, being the Grumpy-Gus of the two of them._ _

__Zayn smiled over at Louis and laughed, “I think you’re the dramatic one, babe. I’ve never thrown a fit because a footie team lost, but you have.” He waved an accusing finger at Louis._ _

__Louis gasped in mock offense, hand pressed to his chest. “I don’t throw – fine, maybe I do. But it’s completely necessary! How else will they understand that I am angry they lost?”_ _

__“You act as if the team would even know about you,” Zayn teased. His smile fell when Louis tried shoving him but nothing happened. Louis froze then slowly retracted his hand and looked out towards the lake. An eerie silence rose between them._ _

__Both boys tipped their chins up to watch the snow that was beginning to fall. Louis blinked as snowflakes fell into his lashes. “Still beautiful as ever,” Zayn whispered, eyes trained on Louis’s profile._ _

__Louis ducked his head and drank his coffee. “Sap,” he muttered around the lip of the cup. Zayn chuckled softly and stood up._ _

__“C’mon, Lou, let’s go before it gets any worse.” Zayn held a hand out to Louis, gesturing for him to follow before turning to head back towards the car. He stopped when there was a lack of footsteps behind himself. “Lou?”_ _

__“Sometimes I wish it were me.” Louis whispered, staring at the frozen lake. “I wish I could change places with you. You should be the one sitting here, not me.”_ _

__Zayn was quick to appear by Louis’s side, facing him with a frown. “Don’t fucking say that. Don’t even think about that. I won’t have it. Cos, Lou, the moment you head down that road, I’m afraid you won’t be able to turn around and come back.” He licked his lips, leaning forward to try and get Louis to look him in the eye. “We’ve had this talk before. Don’t think I won’t learn to touch just to smack you silly.”_ _

__Louis huffed softly and shook his head, “what if I don’t want to come back?” He finally looked Zayn in the face. “I want to be with you. It sucks here without you.”_ _

__“But you have me. Lou, baby, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, I promised you that when we were eight and I’m keeping that promise.”_ _

__“You left me two years ago,” Louis stood up, staring down at his dead boyfriend. “You broke that promise years ago, you can’t act like you didn’t.”_ _

__Zayn, too, stood up and shook his head, “it’s not like I had a choice. I didn’t just wake up and say ‘hey, I’d rather ride with Lou to London and get the life knocked out of me, than sit at home and watch American reality re-runs.’ I didn’t choose to die, Louis. No one chooses to die.”_ _

__Louis flinched and closed his eyes, shivering as the snow seeped through his thin jumper. Before Zayn could say more, Louis pushed past – well, walked through – him and ran off to his car. He wiped harshly at the tears beneath his glasses and threw his car door open. It was all too much, seeing Zayn again. It was what he wanted for so long, but now that he had it, it was scary._ _

__For so long in his life, Louis had always imagined what he and Zayn would be doing. Both dreamt of moving to the States. Louis wanted to perform on Broadway – even though he wasn’t the most talented on stage – and Zayn wanted to explore, see what was out there. Many nights were spent planning out their dream life together in New York. It was a dream that both knew wasn’t exactly tangible, but they were willing to try. But, then Zayn died and things changed, dreams changed. Louis didn’t know where to go now. There was no way he could move to New York on his own, not without his safety net._ _

__Their lives revolved around one another, and without Zayn, he was lost. Up was down, down was up. He didn’t know where to go. Zayn was always good at guiding Louis in the right direction, always offering up advice when Louis didn’t know right from wrong. Zayn was his guardian angel; now both literally and figuratively._ _

__“Louis, slow down,” Zayn said as he popped up in Louis’s passenger seat. “You’re worked up and in no shape to drive.” It all felt too much like _that_ night and that only made Louis shake harder. “Louis, slow the fuck down. You’re going to wreck. Again.”_ _

__Louis sniffed, slowing down just the slightest. “Leave me alone. I just wanna go home and be alone.”_ _

__“Home is that way, Lou,” Zayn jutted his thumb out in the opposite direction of where they were driving._ _

__“No,” Louis shook his head, adjusting his grip on the steering wheel, ignoring the buzzing he felt in his pocket. It was probably Liam calling, asking where Louis went off to. “Home. Donny home.” Louis couldn’t handle this on his own. He was far too stressed and knew he wasn’t ok. He needed his mother now more than ever._ _

__Zayn sighed softly, “good. You should’ve stayed there anyhow.” He looked out towards the road, trying not to wince at how hard the snow was coming down. He shouldn’t have suggested they snuck out of Louis’s flat. “Why don’t you go back to the flat first, though? Tell Liam where you’re going and wait out this snow. We both know you don’t like driving in it…” It was true, Louis hadn’t driven in the snow since that accident. He refused._ _

__Louis came to a stop at an intersection, waiting out the red light. “I’ll text him when I get there,” he mumbled then slowly pulled out just as a truck came speeding down the road and T-boned the driver’s side, flipping Louis and his car._ _

__~~~~~~_ _

__“Now, may we take a moment of silence to remember Louis,” the pastor standing above the casket spoke solemnly. Around him stood Louis’s family and friends. His mum, step dad, dad, and siblings filled the first row, all sniffling and hugging each other. Even Zayn’s family were there. Liam and Harry and Niall were huddled off to the side, Liam the most torn up of the bunch. Liam and Louis may have not been as close as Louis was with Zayn, but Liam had meant a lot to Louis. He had seen Louis at his worst._ _

__“C’mon, Lou,” Zayn nudged Louis. “We should go. You don’t want to see this.” Louis stared hard at the scene in front of him. It tore his heart to pieces seeing his family and friends like this, because of him. Zayn slowly took Louis’s hand and laced their fingers together for the first time in years._ _

__Louis glanced down at their hands then up at his boyfriend. “M’scared,” he admitted quietly. He was insanely scared, no clue as to what was to come._ _

__“It’ll be ok, Lou. We’ll visit them soon,” Zayn whispered and gave Louis’s hand a tug, pulling him away from the group. Louis nodded as he swallowed down the lump in his throat. Even through everything, he trusted Zayn to not leave him astray. Zayn would always be there to guide him._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. (:
> 
> I am actually very proud of this fic. It was one of my favorites to write.  
> I don't know when my next will be up because classes start next week. Hopefully, it won't be far too long.


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